Senator Dawson

Senator Dawson Retires to Spend More Time With Family. Calls Family "Selfish, Demanding, Unpatriotic."

(Dubuque) In the course of an often rambling thirty minute press conference to annouce his retirement, Senator Andre Dawson (I-Iowa) declared his wife to be a "cruel taskmistress" and his three children to be "the joy of his life" and "an incredible time-sink".

He explained that family demands were getting the way of "senatoring".


"My 10 year old, Andre Jr, was playing in the championship game of his little league last Thursday, and I was stuck in Washington. Never again will I have to miss one of his games just so I can secure food and ammunition funding for our troops in Afghanistan, or because I'm working overtime trying to help struggling American families," Dawson said.

Dawson went on to say "I believe family is very important", and turning to his wife continued, "but Jeez-us! I'm a friggin United States Senator!"

Rolling his eyes frequently and sighing heavily, Dawson said he was proud of his accomplishments during 14 years in the Senate, and wished he could have stayed on, but his family "apparently couldn't see the big picture."

"I believe that medicare funding is approaching a crisis point, and that our national security concerns are often ill-served by the process, but it seems like it's more important to SOME PEOPLE that there are TWO parents at Mary's Wednesday night piano recitals."

"I guess my family just doesn't love this country as much as I do."

Dawson's wife Carol stated that she supported her husband's decision fully, and was looking forward to having him operate the video camera at the family reunion next month. "I just can't figure that thing out."