Historian Revisits Minnie. "Not A Moocher"; Other Surprises.

   Historian Bert Blyleven of the University of Chicago takes on a biography of the ephemeral depression era figure known for decades as "Minnie the Moocher". Speaking about his new book, Blyleven said "Her nickname, 'The Moocher'? Totally unfounded! There is quite a lot of evidence to support the assertion that Minnie never took a dime from anyone after the age of 25.

   "Minnie actually made quite a good living working the carnival circuit as a professional goldfish toss player. Not only was she NOT a moocher, but she was often very generous. For example, on numerous occasions, she housed and fed her good friend San Francisco Fan. Fan was often having trouble with her man, who had a gambling problem.

   "Don't forget, after being arrested for kicking the gong around, it was Minnie who gave Smokey the bail money. Why she didn't simply give it directly to the sheriff, I have not been able to ascertain.

    Perhaps the most serious accusation against Minnie, is that she was a red hot hoocie coocher. Blyleven says he finds no reason to think so. "Minnie was really pretty alright. Contemporary accounts have her variously baking for children, helping elderly neighbors, and even doing volunteer work. I hope that my book "Minnie the Pretty Good Lady" will help to set the record straight. I think that most of these accusations are a result of rumors started by her on again, off again boyfriend, Smokey, a cocaine addict."

   Blyleven has already begun research on his next book, in which he asserts that Napoleon was actually well over six feet tall, and made "a hell of an omelet."

Mitch Albom Announces New Book: "Dying to Die!"

Sports writer turned chronicler of death Mitch Albom announced on Wednesday that he has signed a deal to write a new book titled "Dying to Die!" It will mark the fourth book in his death-fetish series, along with Tuesdays With Morrie, Five People You meet in Heaven, and Have A Little Faith.

Albom spoke to reporters on conference call, saying "Dying is seriously now my favorite thing. I am really looking forward to my own death process very much. I'm a little worried that I could be cheated out of the process by some sudden incident like a car accident or something. I may start smoking Luckys to hedge against that possibility.

"I think mostly I'm looking forward to the marveling at life's cyclical nature, and just the onset of a general wistfulness. Also, can't wait to find a young 'me' that I can pass on all my life lessons to. In fairness, most of my life lessons will really be death lessons.

"Also, I'm feeling rather competitive about it. I know all the best strategies for dying well. I am going to be so good at it. So good! I wish there was some sort of league I could join where medals were awarded posthumously.

At age 52, and in apparently good health, Mr Albom looks forward to a long illness someday, and ultimately being survived by his wife, Janine.

American Narcissist Society Honors Mark Cuban Entourage Episode

Flamboyant self-promoting Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban appeared on HBO's Entourage this week, drawing high praise from the American Society of Narcissists. Cuban plays himself (naturally) on the August 22nd episode of HBO's long running series about people who adore themselves.

Self-appointed ANS spokesman Danny "Jet Set" Angel spoke to reporters Monday. "This is the kind of television we have been advocating for some time", Angel said. "When the real Mark Cuban is interacting with the awesomest characters in the history of television, I can't tell you how much that makes me want to look in the mirror.

"Not figuratively. I mean just stare into an actual mirror. It just makes me think of everything I love about myself."

The ANS plans to award the "Entourage Plaque" each year on August 23nd, to the TV show or movie which best displayed the virtues of egocentric living during the past year.

Cuban, who once hired an actor to play a referee he could fight with at halftime of an NBA game, spoke to the other characters about his private jet during his scene. His net worth is estimated at 2.3 billion dollars.

The ANS is without a president or officers again this year. The election of club president ended in a 5,334 way tie, with each member receiving one vote.

CNBC Forced To Admit They "Have No Idea" How The Stock Market Works

After an embarrassing day of market news broadcasting, financial network CNBC has released a statement admitting they have no idea why the market goes up and down.

CNBC copywriter Mark Grace, commenting on the news, explained the way things work at the CNBC writer's desk. "Well, every day the stock market does it's thing all day long, and we have to come up with a reason. But we don't know! And as far as we know, no one does! So we say stuff like 'market down on new jobless data' or 'stocks are mixed on news of North Korean troop movements.' But it's just nonsense.

"So I decided to have some fun with it."

At 10:30 yesterday, reading Grace's copy, CNBC's Rebecca Quick reported on the air that stocks were "off due to fears of a new Jurassic Park movie". When no one seemed to notice, Grace got bold. Later in the day, Quick told viewers that stocks were "rallying on rumors of an ELO reunion tour." Asian stocks were off on "reports of a Godzilla sighting." The aerospace sector was mixed due to "a stirring in the force", and emerging markets were "just so darn mad at that awful Mel Gibson."

The string of errors were caught by Ben Oglive of Birmingham, England. Oglive is not a financial professional, but a big ELO fan, certain that they would never reunite and tour.

In the wake of the scandal, CNBC has pledged that going forward they will report only "somewhat plausible" bullshit.

A&E Programming Chief Announces Goal of All Hoarders Lineup.

A&E vice president of programming Robert Feller spoke to reporters today about his goal of taking the network "all hoarders" by the fall of 2011.

"I can't get enough hoarding shows", Feller said. "I want them all!"
Maintaining a wide smile and laughing throughout his presentation, he said "Of course, the original Hoarders will be our tentpole Thursday night show, and we'll build around it. We've made an offer to Animal Planet to get the rights to their Animal Hoarders, and we've also got a deal in the works with TLC to pry Buried Alive away from them. We've got to have them! But it won't end there!

"We want every weeknight to be packed to the ceiling with original hoarding shows. We've got all kinds of ideas. Game shows like The Biggest Hoarder, Find the Cat!, Would You Keep *THIS* Thing?, Make A Path!, and the list goes on and on.

"We're planning instructional shows like That Still Fits! and The Best Old Food.

"We've also got plans for a serious documentary series called called Whore Hoarders, about men who kidnap and imprison lots of prostitutes. A guy from marketing expressed some concern about that one and tried to take it away from me -I mean take it out of the lineup. I got so angry! I just screamed at him until he backed down.

"You want drama? We've got a Law & Order spin off planned titled 'Law & Order: Code Enforcement'! Talk about a procedural!

"You literally can not get into my office it's so packed with paperwork on ideas for hoarding shows. I don't let even the cleaning staff in anymore for fear they'll throw away some treasure of mine!

"I'm really excited about making this transition. I'm not sure one network will be enough! Our stuff might just spill over onto some other channels!

Salesman Trying to Recover Lost Magic

A few weeks ago, salesman Tony Runkel was riding a wave of workplace popularity after blurting out the line of the year over breakfast. Now, Tony is struggling to find his lost footing.

"I don't know. I guess a few weeks went by and I hadn't come up with anything new. People didn't seem want to talk about the Eggman thing. A lot of people weren't even even calling me Eggman anymore. The pressure was on, and nothing was happening. I was in panic mode. I was racking my brain for the next thing."

"One day, four or five of us are standing around Jake's cube. Jake's the finance guy. We're talking about how we're all getting tons of spam lately. The last few months, the office has been getting like ten times the spam we used to. So Jake says 'what's going on? It's like the summer of spam or something.'

"Everyone laughed! Everyone! What the hell? He's making a Summer of Sam pun? I mean, who even remembers that movie? I'll tell you who! Dan, Bob, Sandy and Greg! That's who! So I just went, 'This is total BS! Congrats Jake, I guess you're the new Eggman!' I ran, I mean RAN back to my desk.

"Two days later, I'm at breakfast with Bob and Dan at Sarah's again. Susan comes back with our orders and puts my plate down. I point at the bacon with a big smile and and go "Hey! What's shakin', bacon?!" Bob and Dan just looked at each other and starting shoving pancakes into their fat faces. They couldn't even look at me. I thought they were my friends.

"People have to understand. You try things. Sometimes they don't work. That's just the life of an artist. I know this mechanic who's been saying 'make my day' for like 25 years. That's just sad.

"I'm in a real dry spell right now, but I'll find my way out."

Hipster Hospitalized In Ironic Droste Effect Incident.

Self described "hipster" Travis McGee was hospitalized Monday with what doctors describe as a "kind of madness" after attending a Jersey Shore party at a friend's house.

The host, Bill Almond, explained while sneering, "We were having an ironic "Jersey Shore" watching party. That show is so awesomely bad. You have to almost kind of admire how bad it is. Heh. "

"There are a bunch of people having these viewing parties all the time now. 'Situations' we call them. 'Sits' for short. Like in 'Hey, you going to Manfred's on Friday? He's having a Sit.' or whatever."

"So Travis showed up with three other dudes. They had been to two other sits that week . Travis was already like *so* over it. So him and his buddies started ironically mocking us for ironically mocking Jersey Shore. We were like, ok, that's pretty awesome. Then Trav got tired of that and a while later, he started ironically mocking his buddies for ironically mocking us. I was like 'wow', he's really going for it."

"Then it got weird."

"He started ironically mocking himself for even caring or something. Then he like, went into some character who was (I guess) somebody else mocking him for mocking himself. He just kept going. He got like eight levels deep! He just kept going deeper and moving back and forth between levels. I've never seen anything like it before. I lost track of where he was, and I think he did too! It was like he was being ironic in other dimensions! "

"Dude has a gift. Seriously. I was about to tell him to cool out and grab a PBR."

"Then he just collapsed. At first we thought he was mocking epileptics who mock Jersey Shore. But we eventually realized he was sick for reals, so we called an ambulance. "

"The ambulance was just this total ambulance with the red lights and siren and all that. The whole deal. We were all like 'Trav is going for a ride in a SERIOUS AMBULANCE!' Then Geoff said, 'I am for real naming my band that. Serious Ambulance!' "

"Then I just went home and crashed. "
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