CNBC Forced To Admit They "Have No Idea" How The Stock Market Works

After an embarrassing day of market news broadcasting, financial network CNBC has released a statement admitting they have no idea why the market goes up and down.

CNBC copywriter Mark Grace, commenting on the news, explained the way things work at the CNBC writer's desk. "Well, every day the stock market does it's thing all day long, and we have to come up with a reason. But we don't know! And as far as we know, no one does! So we say stuff like 'market down on new jobless data' or 'stocks are mixed on news of North Korean troop movements.' But it's just nonsense.

"So I decided to have some fun with it."

At 10:30 yesterday, reading Grace's copy, CNBC's Rebecca Quick reported on the air that stocks were "off due to fears of a new Jurassic Park movie". When no one seemed to notice, Grace got bold. Later in the day, Quick told viewers that stocks were "rallying on rumors of an ELO reunion tour." Asian stocks were off on "reports of a Godzilla sighting." The aerospace sector was mixed due to "a stirring in the force", and emerging markets were "just so darn mad at that awful Mel Gibson."

The string of errors were caught by Ben Oglive of Birmingham, England. Oglive is not a financial professional, but a big ELO fan, certain that they would never reunite and tour.

In the wake of the scandal, CNBC has pledged that going forward they will report only "somewhat plausible" bullshit.