Parents of Nine Year Old Still Want Child's Gender to be a 'Surprise'

(Eureka) Bob and Cindy Weston, parents of nine year old Chris
Weston, are still keeping their child's gender a "suprise".

Cindy said "When we found out we were preggers we just thought
it would be more fun to keep it a surprise. Then when Chris was
born we thought 'why ruin it now?' So, we're still in the dark."

When asked how the surprise could remain after bathing the child
and changing diapers Cindy explained laughing, "Oh! Good Lord!
We don't do anything like that! We have our staff take care of those things. Goodness!"

"All of our friends and employees know not to tell us. Chris wears bangs. We go to Supercuts. Chris tried to clue us in once and we sent it to it's room for a week. Ha! That hasn't happened since, believe me!"

"But, we said we didn't care boy or girl, as long the baby was healthy. And Chris is physically very healthy. Has a very severe emotional disorder of course, but otherwise fit as a fiddle!"

Cindy went on "Oh, we'll find out when it's time and I'm sure we'll be delighted. I'll tell you this: I think I may have an inkling. You know, a mother's intuition and all that. Oh! Don't tell, Bob I said that! He would just lose it."

Salesman Blurts Out Line of the Year

When salesman Tony Runkel met two colleagues for breakfast at Sarah's diner on Wednesday, he had no idea that their waitress would be serving him up for his best line of the year.

"Well, Bob and Dan both ordered pancakes, I got the three egg platter.", Tony explained. "When Susan got back to the table she couldn't remember who ordered what. So she asked 'who's the egg man'? I said, 'I am.' Then just a moment or two passed, and without even thinking I said 'goo goo ga joob!'"

Tony continued with great enthusiasm, "I don't have any idea where that came from! It was like some inspired magic!"

Tony then held his hand up as Bob and Dan both high fived him in turn. Susan flashed a wry smile and said "very funny".

Tony stated "I'm only 34 years old. I'm not even SUPPOSED to know that song." Then pointing to the back of his head "It's just filed away back here somewhere."

"So, yeah. That was a week ago, and we're still all talking about it. Around the office we have this thing now. People have started calling me Eggman. They just walk by and go 'Hey Eggman! What's up?' or something. Then I always flash'em a finger-gun and say "goo goo ga joob! Bang! Bang!" So, it's pretty awesome.

Mike Tyson Wants Credit for Recent Ear Biting Restraint

(Los Angeles) A statement released by former professional boxer Mike Tyson on Friday through his management expressed disappointment in the lack of praise he has received for not biting any one's ears recently.

It read, in part "It's like when I bit Evander's ear off, everyone was like 'oh that's so awful', or 'that's worse than a mass murder' or whatever. But now that I haven't done it for a long time, nobody says squat. What the hell?"


"There isn't any 'attaboy, Mike', or 'Hey , Mike, thanks for not biting my ears off'. Maybe someone could say to their buddies 'Hey! Remember when Mike bit that guy's ear off? That was a long time ago. He's done a really good job off not biting anyone's ears for a really long time'. But nobody says anything about it. Ever."


"You think I don't ever WANT to bit off ears anymore? Come on, people. Be real."


"I have a sign at home that says 'It has been ___ days since I had an ear-biting incident'. Every day I add one to the number. That number is really high up there now. I'm just warning you, that if people don't start stepping up, that number can always go back to zero. You know what I'm saying?"

.

Senator Dawson

Senator Dawson Retires to Spend More Time With Family. Calls Family "Selfish, Demanding, Unpatriotic."

(Dubuque) In the course of an often rambling thirty minute press conference to annouce his retirement, Senator Andre Dawson (I-Iowa) declared his wife to be a "cruel taskmistress" and his three children to be "the joy of his life" and "an incredible time-sink".

He explained that family demands were getting the way of "senatoring".


"My 10 year old, Andre Jr, was playing in the championship game of his little league last Thursday, and I was stuck in Washington. Never again will I have to miss one of his games just so I can secure food and ammunition funding for our troops in Afghanistan, or because I'm working overtime trying to help struggling American families," Dawson said.

Dawson went on to say "I believe family is very important", and turning to his wife continued, "but Jeez-us! I'm a friggin United States Senator!"

Rolling his eyes frequently and sighing heavily, Dawson said he was proud of his accomplishments during 14 years in the Senate, and wished he could have stayed on, but his family "apparently couldn't see the big picture."

"I believe that medicare funding is approaching a crisis point, and that our national security concerns are often ill-served by the process, but it seems like it's more important to SOME PEOPLE that there are TWO parents at Mary's Wednesday night piano recitals."

"I guess my family just doesn't love this country as much as I do."

Dawson's wife Carol stated that she supported her husband's decision fully, and was looking forward to having him operate the video camera at the family reunion next month. "I just can't figure that thing out."

Arguing

As he started back up from the red light, frustration growing, Fred said to his wife "You wouldn't give me the benefit of the doubt if I was Jesus Christ himself!"

Cathy replied "If you were Jesus Christ himself I would be an atheist!"

Fred mulled it over for a few moments. When he was ready, he stated in more measured tones "This argument doesn't even make any sense."

"What do you mean?", Cathy pondered aloud.

They both looked forward, and drove on.