Muffler Shop Manager Goes Back to Saying "Go Ahead, Make My Day"

Dan Trillo, manager of the Rt 15 Roxy's Muffler Repair, has stunned co-workers by announcing his return to using the phrase "go ahead, make my day." Trillo started using the phrase in 1985 after seeing Clint Eastwood deliver the famous line as Dirty Harry in Sudden Impact.

"I used it probably 8-10 times a day for about 15 years. Then, I don't know, I just started to get tired of it. Well sir, I didn't know how good I had it."

"I needed to replace it with something. I think my next try right out of the box was from Crocodile Dundee. I'd carry this big fishing knife, and whenever I got the chance I'd say 'that's not a knife!', then I'd pull out my knife and say 'THAT'S a knife!'"

"Trouble was, after a month or so my wife threatened to walk out if I didn't stop saying it several times every night at dinner."

"I tried using it around the shop, but it never felt natural. One of the guys would come walking through with some tire iron or something, and I'd be like 'that's not a knife!'. And they would say 'Yeah. I know it's not. It's a tire iron.'"

"I tried a dozen things over the years. Once, I got these dark glasses, and whenever anyone would walk in the shop I'd put'em on and go 'Mr Andersen!' That just mostly confused the customers. Especially the older ladies. Some of them got real mad."

"So, it’s been a long strange trip, but I’ve come full circle. You can use ‘make my day’ in so many different situations. 'Hey Dan, I need Tuesday off''. 'Make my day!'. or 'Can I bring my car in on Thursday?' 'Sure thing, make my day!'. 'You wrecked my car and I’m going to sue your ass!' 'Go ahead pal! Make my day'. It's simple AND it's quite versatile. "

"Most of the guys here weren’t around when I was using it before. A few of them weren’t even born when Sudden Impact came out. So, it’ll be all fresh and new to them. "

" I’ll never change again."

Philanthropist Founds "Podcasts Without Borders"

(Elvira, PA) Ray Kluge Jr, the son of real estate mogul Ray Kluge, announced this week that he would be founding and overseeing "Podcasts Without Borders", a charity designed to provide podcasting equipment to destitute populations.

"It came to my attention last month", Kluge said, "that very few really poor people have podcasts. In India, for example, fewer than 5% of the population are involved in any form of podcasting. I just thought to myself, 'Nope. Not on my watch.'"

"I spoke with Raghu Bhatnagar, who runs India's most popular podcast, "The Caste Cast". I was hoping to collaborate with him, as one podcaster to another. But he thought it would be better if I just made a contribution to a recognized aid organization."

"We just didn't see eye to eye. I mean, most of these people can barely afford to feed their families. How can we expect them to afford podcasting equipment? Is the United Nations going to give them laptops and headphones? Ha! I don't think so!"

Kluge himself is the sole voice of three separate daily podcasts: "Just Chatting", "Talking 'Bout Stuff", and "The Two O'Clock Thoughts Roundup".

Sharks Make Evolutionary Leap, Achieve Bureaucracy.

Researchers off the northern coast of Australia made a remarkable discovery on Wednesday.

Operating a small submarine in shark infested waters, Captain Vince Coleman and his four man crew found what they describe as "an extensive array of filing cabinets" stretching over an area roughly three square miles.

"We believe this is where they maintain their records", Coleman said. "Of course, we'd love to get our hands in there, but it's too dangerous to get out of the sub. They appear to have made a rudimentary form of paper using compressed seaweed and plankton, and write on it using squid ink."

The first discovery of it's kind, Coleman suspects it won't be the last. "Just think about how many sharks

there are in world. There simply have to be more like this. We suspected sharks had taken a leap

when a thresher shark wearing a fanny pack was picked up by a tuna boat last year. Inside the pack

was what appeared to be the thresher's identification card and some live minnows."

"We've also identified a new species of shark which we have named the 'clerk shark'."

As far as the question of whether sharks have now become a greater danger to mankind, Coleman said, "Of course, coordination and division of labor are powerful tools for any species. Could sharks, for example, now blackmail us by threatening to shut down the world tourism industry? Very plausible, yes. I'd say, likely"

"However, those new powers are somewhat mitigated by all the paperwork and red tape they'll have to deal with now."

Strangulation Murder a Boon to Tour Operator.

(Lancaster, PA) Glenn Wilson, proprietor of Amish Country Tours, has seen his business ebb and flow over the years. The movie "Witness" had created the tourism demand that gave him his start many years ago. However, the current recession has been particularly difficult. Recently, he had reached the brink of bankruptcy. Then on a Sunday afternoon in May, something unusual happened.


"We was driving the tour like always. There was only a handful of customers on the bus. Then, as we was going by the Stoltzfus farm, everyone start screaming and pointing out the window. I just kept driving. I didn't know what to make of it."

What the people were pointing at, was the murder of local farmer Daniel Stoltzfus by his neighbor John Fisher. Fisher brutally strangled Stoltzfus with his own suspenders in a heated dispute over some borrowed shoes. "That was a real lucky break for us", Wilson said.

"Over the next few weeks, business really picked up. Everyone wanted to know where the 'suspenders murder' happened."

"So, like any business on hard times, we've had to adapt. We changed the name from Amish Country Tours to Suspenders Murder Theater. We don't have enough seats on that little bus for all the new business.  We don't do the old tour at all anymore. My brothers Jack and Louis come along now. We just drive out to the spot, and they put on their Amish farmer costumes and reenact the choking."

"Of course, the murder only took a few minutes. Jack and Lou do the whole thing in super-slow motion so to give the crowd their money's worth. Jack strangles Lou for almost 20 minutes before Lou finally goes into that good night. Sometimes I think he's really doin' it! Those boys have some real thespian in them."

"Then we open up a table and sell lemonade and funnel cake."

Les Emmerson Has Roadside Epiphany

(Ottawa) When 70's musician Les Emmerson took his five year old granddaughter to the Ottawa zoo on Saturday, he had a life changing experience.

Emmerson, best known for penning the anti sign anthem and classic rock staple "Signs" for his group The Five Man Electrical Band, explains that he was driving through an unfamiliar part of town trying to find the zoo.

"I knew I was close, and I was really getting frustrated. I felt like I'd been driving in circles for 45 minutes. Then, I'm sitting at a red light looking around, and I said aloud 'I can't believe there aren't any signs for this place!'"

"Well, the realization hit me like a ton of bricks. I just sat there for I don't know how long. The moment was washing over me in waves. Everything was moving in slow motion. I looked up and the light was green, little Lisa was tapping me on the arm and other cars were honking at me. I just pulled over, put my face in my hands and wept."

Emmerson continued shrugging and shaking his head, "I've spent almost 40 years playing that song, and now I have to re-think everything. Signs aren't the enemy. Usually, they're just trying to give you some information."

"This experience has really opened up my eyes. I may even stop smelling like patchouli."

Judge Judy Perjury Case to be Heard by Judge Joe Brown

The perjury trial of 34 year old Evan Thompson of New Paltz will be held in the courtroom of Judge Joe Brown according to an agreement reached this week.

The alleged perjury occurred during a taping of Judge Judy, during which Thompson, the defendant, stated under "oath" that his ex-girlfriend told him that he could borrow her car "whenever he wanted to".

Thompson's case will be prosecuted by Judge Greg Mathis, who said, "If you can get away with lying on Judge Judy, the highest rated court show on TV, that is a threat to our entire system of televised justice. The whole TV court system almost becomes just a big joke."

"I'm glad that the case will be heard by Judge Brown. Don't let his folksy demeanor fool you. He's stern, knows the law, and can really spot when young women are dressed inappropriately."

Asked for comment on the case, defendant Thompson stated, "I'm not sure I'm even going to show up. It's not a real court! The 'subpoena' they sent me was delivered by a homeless guy and written in pencil on the back of a Chinese take-out menu.

"Only reason I might is that they threatened to send Dog the Bounty Hunter after me. Can they do that?"

Parents of Nine Year Old Still Want Child's Gender to be a 'Surprise'

(Eureka) Bob and Cindy Weston, parents of nine year old Chris
Weston, are still keeping their child's gender a "suprise".

Cindy said "When we found out we were preggers we just thought
it would be more fun to keep it a surprise. Then when Chris was
born we thought 'why ruin it now?' So, we're still in the dark."

When asked how the surprise could remain after bathing the child
and changing diapers Cindy explained laughing, "Oh! Good Lord!
We don't do anything like that! We have our staff take care of those things. Goodness!"

"All of our friends and employees know not to tell us. Chris wears bangs. We go to Supercuts. Chris tried to clue us in once and we sent it to it's room for a week. Ha! That hasn't happened since, believe me!"

"But, we said we didn't care boy or girl, as long the baby was healthy. And Chris is physically very healthy. Has a very severe emotional disorder of course, but otherwise fit as a fiddle!"

Cindy went on "Oh, we'll find out when it's time and I'm sure we'll be delighted. I'll tell you this: I think I may have an inkling. You know, a mother's intuition and all that. Oh! Don't tell, Bob I said that! He would just lose it."

Salesman Blurts Out Line of the Year

When salesman Tony Runkel met two colleagues for breakfast at Sarah's diner on Wednesday, he had no idea that their waitress would be serving him up for his best line of the year.

"Well, Bob and Dan both ordered pancakes, I got the three egg platter.", Tony explained. "When Susan got back to the table she couldn't remember who ordered what. So she asked 'who's the egg man'? I said, 'I am.' Then just a moment or two passed, and without even thinking I said 'goo goo ga joob!'"

Tony continued with great enthusiasm, "I don't have any idea where that came from! It was like some inspired magic!"

Tony then held his hand up as Bob and Dan both high fived him in turn. Susan flashed a wry smile and said "very funny".

Tony stated "I'm only 34 years old. I'm not even SUPPOSED to know that song." Then pointing to the back of his head "It's just filed away back here somewhere."

"So, yeah. That was a week ago, and we're still all talking about it. Around the office we have this thing now. People have started calling me Eggman. They just walk by and go 'Hey Eggman! What's up?' or something. Then I always flash'em a finger-gun and say "goo goo ga joob! Bang! Bang!" So, it's pretty awesome.

Mike Tyson Wants Credit for Recent Ear Biting Restraint

(Los Angeles) A statement released by former professional boxer Mike Tyson on Friday through his management expressed disappointment in the lack of praise he has received for not biting any one's ears recently.

It read, in part "It's like when I bit Evander's ear off, everyone was like 'oh that's so awful', or 'that's worse than a mass murder' or whatever. But now that I haven't done it for a long time, nobody says squat. What the hell?"


"There isn't any 'attaboy, Mike', or 'Hey , Mike, thanks for not biting my ears off'. Maybe someone could say to their buddies 'Hey! Remember when Mike bit that guy's ear off? That was a long time ago. He's done a really good job off not biting anyone's ears for a really long time'. But nobody says anything about it. Ever."


"You think I don't ever WANT to bit off ears anymore? Come on, people. Be real."


"I have a sign at home that says 'It has been ___ days since I had an ear-biting incident'. Every day I add one to the number. That number is really high up there now. I'm just warning you, that if people don't start stepping up, that number can always go back to zero. You know what I'm saying?"

.

Senator Dawson

Senator Dawson Retires to Spend More Time With Family. Calls Family "Selfish, Demanding, Unpatriotic."

(Dubuque) In the course of an often rambling thirty minute press conference to annouce his retirement, Senator Andre Dawson (I-Iowa) declared his wife to be a "cruel taskmistress" and his three children to be "the joy of his life" and "an incredible time-sink".

He explained that family demands were getting the way of "senatoring".


"My 10 year old, Andre Jr, was playing in the championship game of his little league last Thursday, and I was stuck in Washington. Never again will I have to miss one of his games just so I can secure food and ammunition funding for our troops in Afghanistan, or because I'm working overtime trying to help struggling American families," Dawson said.

Dawson went on to say "I believe family is very important", and turning to his wife continued, "but Jeez-us! I'm a friggin United States Senator!"

Rolling his eyes frequently and sighing heavily, Dawson said he was proud of his accomplishments during 14 years in the Senate, and wished he could have stayed on, but his family "apparently couldn't see the big picture."

"I believe that medicare funding is approaching a crisis point, and that our national security concerns are often ill-served by the process, but it seems like it's more important to SOME PEOPLE that there are TWO parents at Mary's Wednesday night piano recitals."

"I guess my family just doesn't love this country as much as I do."

Dawson's wife Carol stated that she supported her husband's decision fully, and was looking forward to having him operate the video camera at the family reunion next month. "I just can't figure that thing out."